San Diego Happy Hour Blogs

Steve McDevitt, the Innovative Drunk

Flabongo - A reinvented beer bong

By StevePublished 01/18/2009

The first thought that came to my mind when I first laid eyes on a Flabongo was that of a decoration previously affixed to my Aunt’s lawn at her last tropical-theme party was back for revenge after it had been the innocent victim of an unsuspecting uprooting and inebriated drop kick into the street and into oncoming traffic. (It was my first keg party.)

Luckily for me, before any apologies were needed or phone calls were placed to “The Hardy Boys,” requesting The Curse of the Haunting Pink Bird be investigated, I realized the plastic waterfowl was no more than a brilliant and innovative creation that I would soon discover would revolutionize the world of beer bongs.

In the past, beer bong enthusiasts were forced to scrounge around underneath the house for piping, tubing, and nozzles in hopes of getting lucky enough to construct a functional bong that also wasn’t too moldy to cause malaria, small pox, or ecoli. The Flabongo not only puts an end to all of your past engineering and mildew problems, but its comical appearance and downright effectiveness keep insatiable beer drinkers coming back for more.

The Flabongo is not only ready to use right out of the box, thus eliminating all the hassle of finding a sober chap capable of constructing a bong out of your grotesque collection of tubing, but is extremely easy to keep clean as well. It is also the only beer bong on the market that could have been hypothetically created while an intoxicated German engineer and inebriated zoologist had a few pints at a local pub. While you may discover during a Google search that this theory is absolutely outlandish and incorrect, one fact is true – the Flabongo is one hell of a good time.

“A Flabongo is always a fun time, whether starting a kickball game, adding to the fun of day drinking or helping strangers to socialize at a party,” said Joelene Monesteir, avid drinker and the biggest Flabongo enthusiast I know. “The uses are truly endless,” she added. (Joelene actually dressed as a Flabongo for Halloween (one of the endless uses), which could qualify as Flabongo infatuation/addiction, but, nonetheless, her credibility on Flabongos does not require questioning).

If you’re worried that drinking out of a bright pink bird is going to tarnish your reputation, don’t fear – the lovable bird can hold up to three entire beers (that’s thirty-six ounces for those of you who left your abacuses in your other pants) which is more than enough to keep your insecurities at bay. Alas, anyone who can beer bong three entire beers, worrying about being seen wrapping your lips around the mouth of a plastic bird is probably the least of your worries.

You are probably wondering – how does this all work?

One great aspect of the Flabongo is that it is extremely easy to use. It can even be done without the assistance of a buddy which regular bongs generally require. (Great news for the solo beer bong enthusiasts out there, if, of course, there are any). You simply pour the beer into the underbelly of your bird, tilt it upwards, place a hand gingerly on the back to control the flow, then plant your lips around the mouth (yes, I’m still talking about the Flabongo) and down the hatch – so good when it hits your lips. Can making it to second base with a plastic waterfowl or getting drunk be any easier?

So only one question remains. With so many perfectly capable marsupials, cuddly primates, lovable reptiles, and other stunning long-necked birds why has the flamingo been summoned from the depths of zoology drinkability leaving the ostrich, giraffe and wildebeest to ponder the question: where did I go wrong?

“I think it’s the allure of the pink,” Joelene added. “What girl doesn’t love pink?”

We’d like to think that the pig (the only other viable pink animal option) got at least a fair consideration for the job but for some reason drinking out of the snout of a pigbongo just doesn’t sound as appealing…

How do I get started drinking?

You, the avid beer-bonger in your life, or even anyone with a strong flamingo infatuation who also is looking for more creative ways to get drunk, can pick up a trusty Flabongo (or even a "flock" of Flabongos) for his or her gregarious alcoholic buddies at a discounted rate from www.flabongo.com. (Price is around $20 for one; beer-bonging girls attracted to pink birds sold separately)

Disclaimer: If you are the type of guy who thinks it is cool to take off his shirt, clear a circle in the courtyard and pour beer into the bong slowly so everyone can see how much beer is flowing through the clear plastic tubing, just to show off, then proceed to spray the beer all over yourself and break the bong in half in an embarrassing display of douche bag-ness then this bong may not be for you. However, if you are looking for fun, creative and new ways to improve your drinking experience, then a Flabongo should be the next drinking apparatus you purchase. You won’t regret your decision…